A New Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal for Preventing Homeless Children From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Nation, and for Making Them Beneficial to Proponents of the Second Amendment

( News item 12/22/16: 

Liberty University to Spend $1 Million on the Homeless. I Mean, on a Gun Range.

by Benjamin L. Corey
Liberty University had an extra million dollars to spend, so what did they spend it on? A gun range.)

            The recent plan at Liberty University to devote excess funds to the building of a gun range rather than to the relief of the homeless, however wise in immediate benefit, misses the opportunity to address both issues in a more enduring manner.

            For it is well-known that the homeless, being often feckless, unemployable, and most importantly prolific breeders, pose a continual burden to the Nation, and to their parents (who are of course largely liable because of their obstinate insistence on dropping offspring whom they can neither feed nor house). 

            On the other hand, our Nation is both blessed and cursed with an abundance of arms and armed individuals who have little or no outlet for their commitment to self-defense, or to protection of the Nation from those who would destroy it from within, whether under cover of military necessity or by establishment of Sharia Law, so-called transgender bathrooms, and other abominations.

            Further, animal rights activists, vegetarians, and others have sharply reduced enthusiasm for such traditional uses of arms as big game hunting and the wearing of animal pelts, without which our species would never have attained the dominance, prosperity and safety it now enjoys.

            But there is a ready solution to these problems. For I have heard from several learned gentlemen, some of whom trace their ancestry back even beyond the glorious first fourscore years of our Republic to the age of Feudalism, that a human child can, when properly trained, be a notable object of venery, both elusive and at times dangerous.

            My proposal therefore is as follows:

That the parents of homeless children be encouraged to turn their offspring over to the Nation, to be raised as instruments for arms training.

·       That current and future children between the ages of six and fourteen be immediately available for adoption by the state.

·       That parents offering their children for adoption be compensated by receiving permanent housing, on condition that they either submit to sterilization, that worthy invention of a wise earlier era that has unfortunately fallen into disrepute; or that they contract to deliver any new offspring to the Nation upon reaching the age of six.  These provisions ensure that no funds will be squandered on the public education of such persons.

·       That such parents be encouraged to persuade other families to do the same, with monetary compensation for each success.

·       That these children be divided into age and ability cadres:

·       From 6-8, children will be taught to evade notice, hide skillfully, and appeal to the weaker sentiment of their hunters, a feat well-known to be part of the repertoire of most young mammals, and even some birds.

o   These children will be hunted by novices, typically ages 11-14, but with some variation depending on local cultures.  The weapons used will simulate actual firearms, but will employ such ammunition as paintballs (with some lightly corrosive element introduced to cause mild pain to the game).

·       At the next stage 9-11 or 12, children’s skills will be assessed.  The more able will go on to further training in quarry behavior, while the less able will remain at the prior stage for a period not to exceed 6 months.

o   In either case, such quarry, either at first or after further training, including advanced physical education, will be hunted using rubber bullets or other ammunition that will cause considerable, but neither lasting nor permanently injurious, pain.

·       At the final stage, 12-14, the quarry will be trained in the arts of unarmed self-           defense, and perhaps equipped with such defensive weapons as slingshots         (rubber-loaded), bolos, and other devices that might serve to incapacitate a     hunter briefly.

·       All able-bodied, housed and productive youth will be required to participate in the first two hunting stages (6-8 and 9-11).  After that stage, they may choose to continue their training, with such incentives as promotion to the State Guard Units that will be established, or to return to permanent civilian status.

o   These students may continue to use non-lethal ammunition, but in order to graduate with complete certification, which will allow them access to numerous opportunities and privileges in employment, taxation, and otherwise, they will be required to complete at least one certified human kill of a third-level quarry.

·       Third-level quarry who have survived for two years or 24 hunts, whichever comes first, will be offered the opportunity to become breeders, as the older generation of homeless may now be beyond childbearing age, and many younger persons may strenuously avoid homelessness to avoid the breeding role, or choose early sterilization, thus defeating the purpose.  Should they reject this option, they will immediately be subject to sterilization, and to permanent labor raising and training their successors.

Finally, lest this system be thought to condemn too many to a lifelong status based solely on their parentage, a certain percentage of the Stage 3 students, perhaps titled “the Talented Tenth,” will, upon recommendation of their trainers, be allowed to shift roles and be retrained as Hunters for the Nation.